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by Slightly-more-confused-at-24
Summary: You meet a girl who, when she closes her eyes, can see the entire universe. Originally thought it was all going to be from Lexa's POV, but I think I'll have it go between the two.
1. Chapter 1

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Love is weakness. I've been telling myself this ever since I received Costia's head. They took her from me because I loved her, and she loved me. The only logical thing to remember now is that love is weakness. I need to distance myself from any emotion that isn't anger- the only emotion that lets me do what needs to be done. Logic has yet to fail me. If I put my people first, if I make sure the alliance with the 12 nations doesn't fail, everything will be fine.

I traded my people for the Sky People, it was the logical way to get them out alive. By killing the alliance I made with the Sky People, it ensured that my own would make it out. It was the right thing to do, they were trespassing on our land anyway. They burned down an entire village, blew up a bridge that had survived 97 years, burned 300 of my people alive, and tested my warriors and my every last nerve. Our alliance couldn't have lasted forever, it was only made to get our people out of Mount Weather alive, and I got mine.

Love is weakness. My people are better off if I don't allow myself to feel. I can't let what happened to Costia happen again. But when I look at her, I don't feel weak. There's a spark inside of me- reminding me that I'm still alive. This Sky Princess has become dear to me, and I feel sick for leaving her behind. It was the logical thing to do. We all would have died if I wouldn't have taken The Mountain Men's offer. My people will continue to live another day, but when I close my eyes I see the fate I left the Sky People to.

"Clarke." The name comes out broken. My mouth is dry, my lips are cracked. I left her to die. "Love is weakness." I tell myself again, this time out loud.


	2. Chapter 2

_**I promise these will be longer at some point. I haven't written in years so I'm just getting back into the swing of things. Right now I'm just updating as I go, to sort of keep myself hyped about writing. This story will probably be less than 10 chapters/updates. But I have a lot of other ideas for stories as well.**_

I decided to leave Leo, my guard, behind to report back with the fate of the Sky People when the battle finished. I had no hope that they would make it out alive. The Mountain Men were too powerful to be overthrown, especially by a small group of untrained civilians. I sentenced them to death. I closed my eyes and shook my head to rid it of all thoughts. I had a knot caused by guilt in the pit of my stomach.

I lead my army of warriors back to the ruins of TonDC. We had left men behind to start the rebuild after the missile attack. When we arrived Nyko attended to those injured. I walked to my tent and started pacing. The last time I was here was before the battle began. When I was alone with Clarke. Her words of "I'm not ready to be with anyone. Not yet." Would haunt me until the day I died. I didn't want to feel this anymore. Clarke was the first person I had let myself feel anything for since Costia. I wasn't in love with her, I had only known her for a short time, but I cared for her and I trusted her. It seemed that everyone I cared for had a habit of dying, most of them by my own hand.

I closed my eyes remembering Gustus. He died because of me. He was foolish, but he was only trying to protect me. Clarke had told me how Anya had died, trying to get word back to me. Costia had refused to give information to the Ice Nation. Now Clarke was dead because I betrayed her. I deserved to be punished for leaving people who had been allied to me for dead. But our alliance had been fulfilled. I had gotten my people back alive.


	3. Chapter 3

I decided to attempt to get some rest. I doubted that my brain would allow such a thing, but it had been a long past few days. Not long after dawn, Leo appeared at the entrance of my tent. I pulled myself out of bed and went to him.

"What news of the Sky People?" I asked.

"They defeated the Mountain Men, Heda."

"They're alive?"

"They came out of the mountain right before dawn. Their Commander led them out."

"Clarke of the Sky People made it out alive? You're sure, Leo?"

"Positive." He said with a nod. I dismissed him while I gathered my thoughts. She was alive.

I had left them for dead, and against all odd they came out of it alive. We didn't know what had happened inside the mountain, but at least they were alive. I wasn't sure if I should be expecting a retaliation from the Sky People, but I knew without a doubt that Clarke would be furious with me if we ever crossed paths again. I decided the best thing to do to protect my people was to send a few of my men to keep an eye on what the Sky People's next move would be. If they were going to attack, I wanted to be prepared. My men didn't leave TonDC until dusk. I only sent five of them out.

A week later at dusk one of my warriors returned. "What news do you have?" I asked upon seeing him.

"They're regrouping. Some of their people were injured badly. Clarke of the Sky People is not among them, Heda."

"What do you mean she is not among them?"

"We haven't seen her, Heda."

"You haven't seen her? Their camp isn't very big, she can't be hiding. Is she inside their ship?"

"We do not believe she is, Heda. Her friends and mother are all accounted for, she has not been around any of them. Her mother seems to be worrying over something."

"Was there any sign of her in the woods?" I asked pacing the tent.

"There were faint tracks leading away from the camp. They were recent enough, but we lost it in the creek. If it was from her, she's covering her tracks."

"Find her, Tumnus." I commanded him.

She had left the mountain with her people. She was alive, Leo had sworn to me. So where was she? If she wasn't at their camp, maybe she was back at the mountain. I knew from past experience that Clarke would do whatever necessary to protect her people. We had that in common. She did not like to attack, but would do what she had to do to survive. If she was out in the woods alone, one of two things was possible; she was either planning her next move, or she was in danger. My people and the Mountain Men weren't the only threats these woods had. Clarke had seen that with her own eyes, so why would she put herself in danger by going off on her own?

I knew she was becoming skilled with her gun, but she was useless with any other weapon. The gun she had would eventually run out of ammunition, and when that happened she would be left helpless. I didn't want that to happen, but I couldn't help her if I didn't know where to find her. There was also the whole, she might try to kill me upon seeing me business. I had to do something though, I couldn't just let her die alone in the woods.

I made preparations to go after her myself. My people would be fine under Indra's command for a few days. Clarke was too important to me to leave finding her to my warriors. I knew they wouldn't bring harm to her, but I couldn't promise she wouldn't attack them. I hoped she wouldn't attack me first, and ask questions later. If she could just hear me out, maybe I could fix this situation. I would leave at dawn. I made sure to pack only what I needed. I couldn't afford to be weighed down.

After a restless night, I got ready just before dawn. I didn't know what I should expect to find, but I knew time was of the essence. Leo, my guard, agreed to go with me. I didn't need a lot of warriors or guards to follow me around, but the woods were not a safe place to be alone. As we had discussed, Leo was waiting at the edge of the village with two horses.

"Heda." He said nodding in my direction.

"Leo."

We got on our horses and headed towards the mountain. It was the only lead we had to find Clarke. By early afternoon we reached the mountain. Someone had been here recently, there were dozens of pyres that were still smoking.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Sorry it's been a few days, I've been insanely busy with taking care of children and crap. Enjoy this update though. There's probably only going to be one more after this.**_

"Clarke." I called out, looking for any sort of movement. There was no answer. "Stay alert Leo."

We walked around outside, looking for any signs of her. There were a lot of trails leading in and out of the mountain. A cart sat by the entrance. She must have used it to get the bodies outside. I couldn't believe she had done all of this herself. She didn't strike me as that strong physically. I didn't want to go inside, but I wasn't sure I had much of a choice. I needed to find her.

Leo and I cautiously entered the mountain. We called out to her every few minutes, but didn't get a response. By late that night, we had searched the whole place. There was evidence that she had been there recently, but she was no longer anywhere to be found.

"Damn it Clarke, where the hell are you?" I was worried. I didn't want to find her dead body alone in the woods. What if the reapers got to her before I could find her? The only thing worse than finding her dead body, was never being able to find her remains. How would I explain to her people that she had been killed and eaten by the reapers?

I shook my head to clear it of the image. I wanted to leave the mountain, but it was late, and not safe.

"Go see if you can catch us something to eat, Leo. I'll start a fire." I busied myself gathering wood and tinder. By the time Leo returned with two rabbits the fire was ready to cook them. After we ate I turned to Leo. "I'll take first watch."

We had decided to sleep right outside the entrance of the mountain. Where we were sheltere. A few hours before dawn, Leo relieved me of watch. My sleep was tainted by nightmares. I kept seeing Clarke's dead body. By dawn I was ready to be away from this cursed.

We had no trails to follow, no leads on which direction Clarke might have gone. I cursed under my breath as we rode our horses with no idea where we were headed. Hours went by with no sign of her. I was beyond worried at this point. I wasn't sure what we were going to find, but the longer we went without any signs of life, the more hopeless this search became.

By midday we stopped to eat. I looked around our surroundings. The trees were tall and old in this area, but they weren't close together. The sun, masked by some cloud cover, streamed through the colorful autumn leaves. Everything seemed calm and still. I listened to the birds chirping back and forth, and wished with every fiber of my being that we would find her alive.

When we finished eating, a rainbow appeared in the sky. The childish part of me took it as a good sign, though the logical side of me knew it meant we would probably get rain later. I didn't want to think about that. Without proper shelter, rain would mean this warm autumn day would become cold and dreary.

"Let's head toward the rainbow, Leo." I suggested.

We continued our search the rest of the afternoon, with no luck. My heart was sinking to the pit of my stomach. The chances of finding her alive weren't very good. I reminded myself she had still been alive yesterday, according to the smoking pyres, but we had no sign from her apart from that. We had lost her trail not far from the mountain. I had seen no evidence of a fire. As the sun started to fade in the sky, the weather became cooler. That evening a storm blew in. Leo and I found shelter not far from a creek, and managed to keep dry. Leo took first shift, and woke me hours before dawn.

An hour after dawn, I was resting by the creek, staring off into nothing. The babble of the creek was lulling me into a trance. My mind on Clarke.

" _What did you do?" She asked, pain of my betrayal etched into her face._

" _What you would have done. Saved my people."_

" _Where are my people?" Her voice almost broke, the realization of what was happening hitting her hard._

" _I'm sorry Clarke. They weren't part of the deal." My voice was cold, even to my own ears._

 _I could see the confusion and pain written all over her. I turned to release the guard I had in my custody. His words of "You made the right choice commander." Were barely registered by my brain._

 _I turned back to Clarke as my people continued walking out of the mountain. Lincoln walked towards us. "What is this?" He asked, grasping what was going on._

" _Your Commander has made a deal."  
"What about the prisoners from the Ark?" He asked astonished._

" _They'll all be killed." She answered Lincoln. She turned to me again. "But you don't care about that, do you?" Her voice was soft, but firm._

" _I do care Clarke. But I made this choice with my head, and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first."_

" _Please don't do this." The look she gave me broke my heart._

" _I'm sorry Clarke."_

I shook my head trying to clear it from the memory. It made my heart hurt to think about how I betrayed her. I wanted to find her, tell how I had no choice. I made the only decision I could make. The duty to my people would always come first, but that didn't mean I didn't care for her. I stared at the creek, as if asking it for answers. Time went by, and I swore it started talking to me.

"Please don't let me die here." It said clearly.

"I'm so sorry Clarke. I left you there to die, I knew what was going to become of you. But you survived it. Please just tell me where you are. Please let me save you this time." I begged the creek.

"Why was I so stupid? Why did I go off alone? I'm never going to see mom again. I'm never going to see my friends again. I'm going to die on this cliff alone."

I shook my head, the voice wasn't in my head. Clearly it wasn't coming from the creek either. I looked around. "Leo, wake up."

He sat up alert. "What is it Commander?"

"I think Clarke is near." I stood up and gathered our stuff. Then I turned and headed toward where the voice was coming from. I shouted. "Clarke?"

I held my breath. A moment went by with no response, but then. "Lexa?"

"Clarke where are you?" I shouted back.

"I fell off the edge of a cliff during the storm. There's a small embankment off the edge." Her voice sounded desperate.

Leo and I headed towards the direction of the cliff. When we got there I looked down. She was filthy, soaked to the bone, and she looked tired. "We're going to get you back up here."


	5. Chapter 5

_**I apologize it's been so long guys. I've been without Wifi, and then I was busy. This is the last update of this fic. I hope you all like it.**_

"I'm s-s-s-so cold." She barely stuttered out. Her skin was tinted blue. It had been a cool evening after the storm hit. I could only imagine how cold she had been with wet clothes and no fire or blankets to shield her from the breeze.

Leo made a small harness and lowered it down to her on rope. "Put this on, we'll pull you up."

"I don't want to die, Lexa." She whimpered.

"I won't let that happen, Clarke. I was a fool before. I did what I had to do to save my people. I won't lose you again."

With a little effort, Leo and I pulled Clarke back over the edge of the cliff. Leo grabbed one of the blankets and wrapped it around her. "Warm up, Clarke of the sky people. I'll go catch us some breakfast."

When he went after food, I went in search of dry branches. I needed to start a fire to get her warm again. She wouldn't last long if we didn't get her temperature up. I wasn't gone for long. Within minutes of coming back I had a fire going. Clarke moved close to it. After what felt like ages, she turned to me. Her skin color was beginning to look normal again. "Why are you here?"

"I came looking for you. You left your people."

"You've been watching me?"

"I left scouts out, to tell me the fate of the sky people. When your people won at the mountain, I had the scouts follow your people back to camp. They lost sight of you soon after, and didn't report your disappearance to me until a week after your win at Mount Weather."

"Why did you come after me?"  
"Because I couldn't let you die out here."

"Why do you care?"

"Because, I care about you. I trust you, Clarke."

"If you cared about me at all, you wouldn't have left before the battle."

I sighed. "You would have done the same for your people, Clarke. You did the same for your people. How else would you explain your win at the mountain?"

"I did what I had to do!"

"So did I. We did the same thing. We may have betrayed different people, but we each made the same decision. The only difference between us, is that you and your people are still alive. The same can't be said for the Mountain Men."

"They didn't need to die, if you wouldn't have left, we could have saved the innocents."

Leo chose that moment to come back with his catch. He had caught a rabbit and two squirrels. Without a word, he prepped his kills for the fire. Once they were cooked, we ate in silence. As soon as she was finished eating, she stood up. "Thank you for the meat, Leo. I must be on my way now."

"Where do you plan on going?" I asked.

"I don't know. Away from here. Away from that mountain. Away from my people."

"You almost died out here on your own. Come with us, at least we can keep you alive."

"I need to clear my head, Lexa. I don't need you near me when I do that. I can't stand the sight of you right now, and your face is all I see. It used to be every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was the stars. I could see the universe. I pictured the earth, the forest, the sea. Now all I see is you. I see you in my dreams, when I'm awake, you never go away. Please just go away." She begged. Her voice broke my heart.

"I can't do that, Clarke."

"Why not?" She asked exasperated.

"Because I fear I have fallen for you, Clarke."

"Fallen for me? As in, in love? You barely even know me. Besides, I thought love was weakness."

"I know you well enough to know that I can't imagine a world where you don't exist. I saved my people, but I lost a part of myself that night. It killed me to leave you. As the Commander, I'm trained to not feel. I'm trained to do what's best for my people. I'm trained to be strong, but I'm not strong. Not when I'm worried about your fate. Love is weakness, and I am weak, but when I'm with you, I don't feel weak."


End file.
